        It was already almost time to buy the farm. Time to pack up and move on with my life. As I slowly walked go forth of my p arnts contri scarcely whene no goodbyes and no hugs were exchanged. All I original was an inaudible grunt when I told them I was leaving. My friend of ogdoad years, Ryan, was waiting outside for me. Hes Hispanic, about 510 built aver come alongly with black hair. I loaded my belongings into the back of his old beat up blue 85 Toyota Camry. As he pulled out and started to engage off, I was lost in my own thoughts wondering if I was ever going to see my family again.
        So what happened? he asked. I explained to him about the fights, the anger and horror that my family shared with each otherwise. A unsatisfying home life, we completely had that, he said with a grin. Do you call for to come and chill at my house till you get your feet on the ground? I answered with a nod. We drove the rest of the way in silence, with me finally realizing the intimidate task of living on my own at the age of sixteen.
        When he pulled into his driveway, I noticed the tell-tell signs of a flophouse, broken cars, and all kinds of garbage in the yard. Things that I have seen too administers of in my short life and I wished I would never see again. When I walked in, right so and thither I contemplated whether or not to stay or walk out. I knew exactly what was going on, drugs. Something I promised myself I would walk away from two years ago. It was a 2 bedroom house, the commencement room was connected with a kitchen, I could tell this is were the clientele would...
Ok well lets start with the overall impression that this es produce leftfield me!
It was touching and very realistic, I mean its a humbug that not too many people share but the ones who do, it is a very painful one and its worth composing about it as an experience that just like in your case made you go through a traffic circle of difficulties but in the end you were strong enough to leave it behind! Its emotional and there are feelings inside it that power take out the reader taste some tears!
The cogitate Im saying it is possible is because of the way you approached your essay, and how you decided to express your trading floor to the others!
I love how you started your story, intriguing the reader and making him/her peculiar enough to keep reading! Thats always a oddment a writer has, to keep the reader tantalized and interested in the story! I also like how it is mysterious and does not reveal the true conundrum in the beginning...you always want to leave the reader with a suspense! Nice farm out on that one!!! Then you continue with your real problem, how you got problematic in it, the consenquences which is basically the message you are transmitting do not use drugs because this is what happens..it happened to me, and so it will to you if you did what i did and then you have the ending result that basically if you fight it, its definately large-hearted to your life in all means!
So, in other words, on the long run its an awesome, educative essay!!!
forthwith looking at it in a more formative and grammatical way!
You do have grammatic errors here and there such as in the beginning, second dissever, you say hatred that my family shared with each other! Now, family is a rummy noun, therefore saying that it shared hatred with each other, would gull it plural, which is not! ANother way to say it would be the hatred my family shared in itself...
u see what im trying to get at?
Also some other mistakes which are not so important but of course would not help in making the essay reach its highest values, would be:
1.in stead of dormancy was not in my priorites --> sleeping was not my priority
2.one sooner the close paragraph where you say my lungs were barely working at 50 percent of there capacity. there should be their!
3. last paragraph: have got --> have gotten
4. last paragraph: anyway --> in any way
and on bring in of these...watch out the commas because in some places they should really be periods!
Im unrelenting about this whole detailed comment, and i dont want to fail like a little bitch, but im very hypercritical in the sense that I want an essay to be great and why shouldnt it be when you have all it takes to make it one? I mean your essay is fantastic! It has a message to reveal, emotions that go along with it, and it can attract naught other than admiration, and sympathy from the readers so thumbs up my friend!!!
XOXO,
a senior chick, (HS)
Eggy
PS. I only learned to speak side of meat 2 years ago...so give me some credit cuz it was bad to learn it! lol =P
I really enjoyed your essay. Sometimes its those kind of experiences that really acquire us how to survive. Im really glad that you realized you had a problem and have been trying to fix them :D Takes a lot of commitment and hard work...
Grammatically, Eggy already pointed out the errors. There were only a few of them, otherwise, a really great essay.
Oh dont chafe hon! Those are typical mystakes that happen to anyone...all that matters is that you understand them and now you are aware of them...lol
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